Have A Laugh!

Sorry About This......

An exasperated minister parked his car in a No Parking area, with this message on the windscreen. "I have circled this car park 20 times. I have an appointment to keep - forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found this note: "I have circled this car park for ten years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'm not doing the job I'm paid to do - lead us not into temptation."

Rain

The little girl was anxiously watching the sunny sky for signs of rain. "Mum, didn't the weatherman on TV last night say there would be rain?"

"Yes dear", Mum replied.

"Well", the little girl sighed with relief. "Thank goodness God didn't hear him."

Mother In A Storm

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep with your daddy."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big coward."

Man in car showroom: "I've come back to buy that car you showed me yesterday."

Sales assistant: "That's fine, I thought you'd be back. Tell me, what was the dominant feature which made you decide on this car?"

Man: "My wife."

Farmer: "Isn't it wonderful how the little chicks get out of their shells?"

City visitor: "Indeed. But what gets me is how they get in there in the first place!"

When you mix children and religion:

~ In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

~ Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark because Noah built an ark. The animals came on in pears.

~ The Jews are a proud people and throughout history they've had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

~ The Seventh Commandment is: Though shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Professor: "What happens when the human body is immersed in warm water?"

Student: "The 'phone rings."

Teacher: "What is the difference between results and consequences?"

Bright pupil: "Results are what you expect, consequences are what you get."

Young son to father: "Dad, what is the middle class?"

Dad: "The middle class consists of people who are not poor enough to accept charity and not rich enough to donate anything."

Anagrams

DORMITORY : DIRTY ROOM          ASTRONOMER : MOON STARER          THE EYES : THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE : HERE COME DOTS          SLOT MACHINES : CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS : LIES LETS RECOUNT          A DECIMAL POINT : IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO : TWELVE PLUS ONE          THE EARTHQUAKES : THAT QUEER SHAKE

One Liners

The man who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

A bike cannot stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted; 'taint yours and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

What Do Bishops Do?

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former vicars and the bishops were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?" There was silence. Finally, one little boy ventured. "He's the one you can move diagonally."

A second year student explaining to a first year student how to write essays: When you take stuff from one writer, it's plagiarism, but when you take it from many writers, it's called research."

courtesy of The Link magazine.

Mother to young son after first day of school: "Well dear, what did they teach you today?"

Son: "Not much. I've got to go back again tomorrow."

courtesy of The Link magazine.

New Church Signs

What it says on the sign.

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

courtesy of The Link magazine.

A priest was speeding down a motorway when he was stopped by the police. The officer smelled alcohol on his breath, and then saw the empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

"Sir," he demanded, "have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

"Then why," said the officer, "do I smell wine?"

The priest thought rapidly. "Good Lord!" he cried. "He's done it again!"

courtesy of The Link magazine.

An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: "But whatever you do, do NOT attempt these task-organising tips at home," he said.

"Why not?" He was asked.

"Well, I did a study of my wife's routine of fixing breakfast," He replied a little embarrassed. "I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I told her: "Darling you are making too many trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would only try carrying several things at once you would be more efficient." He paused.

"Did that save time?" one of the executives asked.

"Actually, yes," the expert answered, "it used to take her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in 7 minutes."

courtesy of The Link magazine.

A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorise one of the most quoted passages in the Bible, Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the psalm, but little Charles did not find it easy to memorise much of anything. On the day that the children were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation , Charles stepped up to the microphone and began proudly. "The Lord is my shepherd... "He knew that much, but the rest of the Psalm suddenly deserted him. So he concluded bravely: "...and that's all I need to know."

courtesy of The Link magazine.

A woman summoned a TV repairman to fix her set. After spreading his tools out, the serviceman enquired: "What seems to be the trouble?" Replied the woman: "Well for one thing the programmes are appalling."

courtesy of The Link magazine.

The credit manager asked the applicant: "Do you have much money in the bank?" 

"I don't know," said the applicant. "I haven't shaken it lately."

courtesy of The Link magazine.

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "we have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out "Aces!"

courtesy of The Link magazine.

First student: First I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. They gave me hypodermics and inoculations. Second student: Goodness, you had quite a time! First student: Yes, to be honest, I thought I'd never survive that spelling test.

courtesy of The Link magazine.

Somewhere on this earth a woman is giving birth to a child every ten seconds. We must find her and stop her at once!!

courtesy of The Link magazine.

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate!

courtesy of The Link magazine.

Final Farewell.

An old clergyman man lay dying. He sent a message for his accountant and solicitor to come to the hospital. When they arrived they were ushered to his room. As they entered the room, the clergyman held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on either side of the bed. The minister grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, nobody said anything. Both the accountant and solicitor were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled as the minister had never given any indication that he particularly liked either of them. Finally the solicitor asked gently, "Why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old minister mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Well, Jesus died between two thieves, so that's how I want to go too"

courtesy of The Link magazine.

A man was driving to work when a lorry ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. Passers-by pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquillised by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge flashing "SHELL" sign, and somebody was standing in front of the "S"."

courtesy of The Link magazine.

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of drink, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whisky, and two worms. "Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the teacher while putting a worm in the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whisky. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the teacher asked. One little boy responded promptly, "Drink whisky and you won't get worms".

courtesy of The Link magazine.

Observations On Modern Life

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

* A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

* A gross ignoramus: 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

* A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

* Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac who stayed up all night trying to decide if there really is a dog?

* Why do they lock petrol station toilets? Afraid that someone will clean them!

* Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us, we're said to be schizophrenic?

courtesy of The Link magazine.

I asked my nephew whether he bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day. "Yes", he said, "I bought her a belt and a bag".

"That was very nice of you", I replied, "I hope she appreciated the thought".

He said, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now".

courtesy of The Link magazine.

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

courtesy of The Link magazine.

The teacher asked her Sunday school class to draw pictures of their favourite bible stories. She was puzzled by Kate's picture, which showed four people on an aeroplane. She asked her which story it represented. "The flight to Egypt", was her reply. Pointing at each figure, the teacher ventured: "That must be Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus. But, who's the fourth person?" 

"Oh", explained Kate happily, "that's Pontius - the pilot!"

courtesy of The Link magazine.

That First Kiss...

At the end of their first date, a young man took the girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decided to try for that important first kiss. So with a put on air of confidence, he leaned casually against the wall and said, "well, how about a goodnight kiss?"

She gasped, "are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh, come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh, come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. I's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"NO, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeeease?"

Out of the blue, the porch light suddenly went on. The door opened and the girl's sister stood there sleepily in her nightgown, her hair disheveled. Drowsily she said, "Daddy says please will you go ahead and give this guy a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to stop leaning on the intercom button!"

courtesy of The Link magazine.

A man entered a local newspaper competition that offered a prize for the best pun. He sent in ten entries, hoping that one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

courtesy of The Link magazine.

The minister had all his remaining teeth pulled out, and new dentures made. The first Sunday he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached over an hour without even drawing breath. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he explained: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were working fine. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures.....".

courtesy of The Link magazine.

A couple were trying to sleep one night when a neighbour's dog started barking. This carried late on into the night until the husband cracked. "That's it, I've had enough!" and he rushed into the night. Ten minutes later he returned to bed, then after a couple of minutes the barking started up again. His wife turned to him and said: "So what did you do then?"

"I put the wretched dog in our garden, to see how they like it!"

courtesy of The Link magazine.

There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got onto the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!" The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it droe the first man crazy. "Don't you understand? We're going to DIE!"

The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make £50000 a week". The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"

The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make £50000 a week and ~I tithe ten per cent to my parish church. My vicar will find me!"

courtesy of The Link magazine.

A mother greeted her little girl at the end of her first day at school: "Well, dear, how did you get on? What did they teach you today?"

 "Not enough, I guess", the little girl replied, "'cause they said I have to go back tomorrow!"

courtesy of The Link magazine.

"I've worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty"  -  Groucho Marx

courtesy of The Link magazine.

Epitaphs Found On Headstones:

In Silver City, Nevada:

Here lies Butch

We planted him raw

He was quick on the trigger

But slow on the draw.

courtesy of The Link magazine.

In Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester More

Four slugs from a .44

No Les, no More.

courtesy of The Link magazine.

In Thurmont, Maryland:

Here lies an Atheist

All dressed up, and no place to go.

courtesy of The Link magazine.

In Ruidoso, New Mexico:

Here lies Johnny Yeast

Pardon me for not rising.

courtesy of The Link magazine.

In Uniontown, Pennsylvania:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake

Stepped on the gas

Instead of the brake.

courtesy of The Link magazine.

In London:

Here lies Ann Mann

Who lived an old maid

But died an old Mann.

courtesy of The Link magazine.

In Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd June

Jonathan Fiddle

Went out of tune

courtesy of The Link magazine.

In Wimbourne, England:

John Penny

Reader if cash thou art in want of any

Dig four feet deep

and thou wilt find a penny

courtesy of The Link magazine.

Definition of a successful man:

A man who can earn more money than his wife can spend.

Definition of a successful woman:

A woman who can find such a man.

courtesy of The Link magazine.

What is the difference between perseverance and obstinacy?

One is a strong will, and the other is a strong won't.

courtesy of The Link magazine.

On their way to get married, a Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car crash. They found themselves outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter to process them into heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in heaven? When St Peter showed up, they asked him. St Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out", and he left. The couple sat and waited. Two months passed, and the couple were still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in heaven, should they? "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together forever?" Finally St Peter returned, looking somewhat ragged. "Yes", he informs the couple, you can get married in heaven". "Great!" said the couple, "but we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?" St Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "Oh, come on!" he shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a solicitor?"

courtesy of The Link magazine.

A Sunday school teacher asked her children why it was necessary to be quiet in church. One bright little girl replied, "because people are sleeping."

courtesy of The Link magazine.

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a really good time like I am."

courtesy of The Link magazine.

After the baptism of his baby brother in church. Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That minister said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys."

courtesy of The Link magazine.

While driving in the countryside, a family caught up to an old farmer and his horse-drawn cart. The farmer obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand painted sign, "Ecologically efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

courtesy of The Link magazine.

Census taker: "How many children do you have?" Woman: "Four". Census taker: "What are their names please?" Woman: "Eenee, Meene, Minee and George". Census taker: "Okay, that's fine, but why did you call your fourth child George?" Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe".                                                                           courtesy of The Link magazine.

Three Londoners, each hard of hearing: First; "Is this Wembley?" Second; "No, It's Thursday". Third; "So am I, Let's go for a beer".                                                                                                                                                                                  courtesy of The Link magazine.

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten commandments", answered the lady politely.                                                                                                                                                                                             courtesy of The Link magazine.

A mill owner decided to send his son to a public school. The lad spoke with a broad Yorkshire accent and so it was arranged that he would live with the local rector and his family so as to improve his English. A few months later the boy's father called at the rectory to see how his son was getting on. The door was answered by the rector who greeted him with the words, "Lad, am I glad to see thee".                                      courtesy of The Link magazine.